As many of you know, the past few months have been pretty difficult for me. Although many wonderful things have occurred (e.g. graduation), the fact that I still do not have a job is really starting to take its toll on me.
Oh, Mins, why? Why bring down the beautiful wedding blog into a hole of depression?! I know, I know. Just bear with me for one post... Three years ago, my life came to a screeching halt when I admitted myself to the hospital for the treatment of an eating disorder. During my three month stay, I came to the realization that although I looked happy, healthy and successful on the outside, on the inside I was falling apart. Trying to balance school with depression and anxiety that I was unaware I had, one day I just broke. Thank God for Sheppard Pratt Center for Eating Disorders and the amazing women who helped me finally determine that I didn't really want to be an engineer. I just wanted the prestige of being an engineer. I wanted to be perfect on the outside and found out that perfection is not humanly possible. I eventually made a VERY difficult decision to leave behind a potential job with Amazon and a pending PhD to become a school teacher. I could have saved a LOT of school debt had I come to that realization in undergrad.
During the three years since I left the hospital, I have done everything feasible to become the best teacher I could possibly be. I read professional literature during my free time, a large chunk of my salary (probably much to Chris's demise) goes to buy children's literature, educational charities, and to simple fabric to make classroom pillows. All summer I have prepped for interviews - practiced answering questions, reading back over my schoolwork, creating mock-up behavior charts and communication systems to put into a portfolio. And yet, nothing...
Everyone I talk to tells me to keep my head up. "Don't worry, lots of teachers get hired in July and August," or the reassuring "would it be the worst thing in the world if you didn't get to teach for another year?" I may sound like a drama queen, but yes. Yes it would be horrible. I have sacrificed so much to get to where I am today. I admit, I have received so many rewards because of those sacrifices (Christopher, education...), but there are days when I look at the three degrees hanging on my wall and think - why did I even do this? I'm a scholarship recipient, I work at a preschool literacy research lab, I run my own tutoring business, I spend all my time, effort and money to educate children, and none of it seems to be worth anything right now.
I know that many people are struggling with unemployment right now and watching their dreams go down the drain. I suppose I'm lucky that I didn't lose a job - I just have yet to gain one. But it is increasingly difficult to put on a happy face and pretend that something will come around when it's "meant" to. It's getting harder and harder to manage my anxiety disorder when my stomach is in a constant knot and I am just so sad that I haven't been hired. All year I looked forward to this summer. I thought it would be so great - visiting friends, planning the wedding, and preparing for the school year. All I want is to look at curriculum guides and SOLs, prepare lessons and pacing guides and use my free time to think about how I'm going to incorporate certain books into lessons. And I'm not there. Maybe it's not time for me to be, maybe God has a better job in mind or something will eventually arise but it is so...hard... watching everyone around you land fabulous positions, only to find out you haven't even made the cut for a 2-day-long interview session.
At this point I guess I'm just asking for prayers. And if you don't pray - maybe just thoughts. Each day gets more difficult when all you want to do is help educate children and you can't. Our house is a disaster... that's when it's really bad. My close friends know that when things are a little bad I clean and organize obsessively. When things start to get harder, I shut down. It's like my anxiety takes over and everything seems so big and impossible.......
I know my life is wonderful, Christopher and my family and friends are wonderful. I am having difficulty feeling wonderful right now. If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading. I hope I didn't elicit a depressing feeling nor pity. It's hard for me to put on this on the blog for everyone to read but I'm hoping that maybe the more people praying, the more quickly I'll feel better.
Thank you to everyone who has listened to this rant over and over and over during the past few months. Thank you for your kind words and support... especially Mama, Daddy, Bubby, Chris, Q, Joey, Robin, Morgan, Matty, and Peggy.
Fabric purchased to make pillow covers for my safari-themed classroom library.
Oh, Mins, why? Why bring down the beautiful wedding blog into a hole of depression?! I know, I know. Just bear with me for one post... Three years ago, my life came to a screeching halt when I admitted myself to the hospital for the treatment of an eating disorder. During my three month stay, I came to the realization that although I looked happy, healthy and successful on the outside, on the inside I was falling apart. Trying to balance school with depression and anxiety that I was unaware I had, one day I just broke. Thank God for Sheppard Pratt Center for Eating Disorders and the amazing women who helped me finally determine that I didn't really want to be an engineer. I just wanted the prestige of being an engineer. I wanted to be perfect on the outside and found out that perfection is not humanly possible. I eventually made a VERY difficult decision to leave behind a potential job with Amazon and a pending PhD to become a school teacher. I could have saved a LOT of school debt had I come to that realization in undergrad.
During the three years since I left the hospital, I have done everything feasible to become the best teacher I could possibly be. I read professional literature during my free time, a large chunk of my salary (probably much to Chris's demise) goes to buy children's literature, educational charities, and to simple fabric to make classroom pillows. All summer I have prepped for interviews - practiced answering questions, reading back over my schoolwork, creating mock-up behavior charts and communication systems to put into a portfolio. And yet, nothing...
Everyone I talk to tells me to keep my head up. "Don't worry, lots of teachers get hired in July and August," or the reassuring "would it be the worst thing in the world if you didn't get to teach for another year?" I may sound like a drama queen, but yes. Yes it would be horrible. I have sacrificed so much to get to where I am today. I admit, I have received so many rewards because of those sacrifices (Christopher, education...), but there are days when I look at the three degrees hanging on my wall and think - why did I even do this? I'm a scholarship recipient, I work at a preschool literacy research lab, I run my own tutoring business, I spend all my time, effort and money to educate children, and none of it seems to be worth anything right now.
I know that many people are struggling with unemployment right now and watching their dreams go down the drain. I suppose I'm lucky that I didn't lose a job - I just have yet to gain one. But it is increasingly difficult to put on a happy face and pretend that something will come around when it's "meant" to. It's getting harder and harder to manage my anxiety disorder when my stomach is in a constant knot and I am just so sad that I haven't been hired. All year I looked forward to this summer. I thought it would be so great - visiting friends, planning the wedding, and preparing for the school year. All I want is to look at curriculum guides and SOLs, prepare lessons and pacing guides and use my free time to think about how I'm going to incorporate certain books into lessons. And I'm not there. Maybe it's not time for me to be, maybe God has a better job in mind or something will eventually arise but it is so...hard... watching everyone around you land fabulous positions, only to find out you haven't even made the cut for a 2-day-long interview session.
At this point I guess I'm just asking for prayers. And if you don't pray - maybe just thoughts. Each day gets more difficult when all you want to do is help educate children and you can't. Our house is a disaster... that's when it's really bad. My close friends know that when things are a little bad I clean and organize obsessively. When things start to get harder, I shut down. It's like my anxiety takes over and everything seems so big and impossible.......
I know my life is wonderful, Christopher and my family and friends are wonderful. I am having difficulty feeling wonderful right now. If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading. I hope I didn't elicit a depressing feeling nor pity. It's hard for me to put on this on the blog for everyone to read but I'm hoping that maybe the more people praying, the more quickly I'll feel better.
Thank you to everyone who has listened to this rant over and over and over during the past few months. Thank you for your kind words and support... especially Mama, Daddy, Bubby, Chris, Q, Joey, Robin, Morgan, Matty, and Peggy.
Fabric purchased to make pillow covers for my safari-themed classroom library.
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